Bus Bitch

I was about to post my story of how bad my job sucks when I lived something too funny to pass on. This happened today as has made me lost a part of my faith in humanity.

While returning from a long day of work, I saw a friend I had not seen for long. We immediately engaged in a conversation. Understand this: we weren’t speaking loud at all. We were speaking mid-voice, but apparently it was too much for an old bitch just behind us. As soon as we started speaking, she said, very loudly, to another woman:

BITCH: Oh god, don’t tell me they’ll talk all the way..
BITCH#2: Oh damn, these days, the youth always think they are alone…
BITCH: Yeah, you can’t turn the volume down on that one!

Both were old, ugly, and fat. The number one bitch seemed in her late forty and the older looked already dead. You can’t turn the volume down on that one? Goddamnit. Bitch one was reading a stupid book, you know, what they sell at Borders or whatever shitty expensive shop old bitches visit. I guess she wanted to read and apparently the bus was supposed to be completely silent at all times.

We took extra steps to speak in a low voice but we simply had too much to tell. Plus, it was our right to speak on a goddamn bus. All this time, she kept doing “Shhhhhh” and sighing, looking pissed. We ignored her the best we could until I decided I had enough talking like this. I decided to raise my voice to a normal level. Fuck her. At this point, she plain and asked us to stop talking. She said:

HER: Excuse me? This isn’t a club nor a bar and you’re not there to talk. This is a bus and we’d like to relax without listening to your stupid blabbering.

That was too much. My friend too seemed insulted. At this point, ten things to say back appeared in my mind. The following script ran in my head:

0 WHILE %FATLADY = (FAT, OLD, UGLY) // No risk of this changing anytime soon
10 GEN (INSULT, %reply, %fatlady, !fat!old!ugly) // This generates an insult using the named variables in reply mode, with argument far, old and ugly.
20 IF ANSWER =/= SAID // If the generated insult is NOT kept and used
30 THEN GOTO 0 // restart the process until a good insult is generated
40 ELSE
50 WEND

Here are the replies the script created and thought of answering:

A) Well, when I’m like you with no friends and no one to talk to, perhaps I can read shitty books and piss people on the bus too.

B) 50 and still taking a bus? Something went wrong in your life. I’d say everything.

C) Can’t you wear a bra? At least your breasts wouldn’t be falling to your knees. What, you ARE wearing one? Oh gosh, I’m never going to marry…

D) Why, does the sound of our voice makes your fat belly vibrate? See the good point: it’s the only kind of vibration you’ll ever get that is not mechanic .

E) There are plenty of seats available at the back; just don’t move too quickly while the bus turns, your fat ass might make it flip over.

F)I thought hearing decreased with age. Looking at you, you should be completely deaf by now.

G)Why don’t you get an ipod? Oh, right, they didn’t exist in your time, back in the 1950s.

H)Sorry, never realize it could be bad for your kid. What, you’re not pregnant?

I) Hmm… Well at least you do not risk becoming anorexic anytime soon.

J) If starvation ever hit America, you will die of aging before hunger, fatass.

But I did not use any of these replies. I decided they were too insulting and provocating and the last time I wanted was more drama in the bus. Instead, I used the following reply:

ME: Oh, I’m SORRY, do we breathe too heavily too?

Okay, it was as insulting, but still, I hadn’t insulted her directly.

HER: Look, I had a long hard day, I just want to relax and read my book.
ME: To use your own … terms … this isn’t a library here. Your latest Danielle Steel adventure can wait.
HER: The youth these days… No respect for anyone…
ME: In order to get respect, you have to deserve respect. So, what were we talking about…

We continued talking and the sighing accelerated. She kept telling her friends stuff like “I can’t believe it. I just can’t” or “Oh my god, I’ve never seen that before”. We were almost arrived when she finally said:

HER: Well, thanks, I give up on reading for today.
ME: Don’t worry, in a few years, you’ll be all alone at the hospice and you’ll have plenty of times to read.

My point? It’s fine for people to talk in the bus. If you don’t want to hear them, bring music. Can’t afford music? Well, you can’t afford books neither. We weren’t committing a crime or doing a home invasion, we were just fucking TALKING. What a stupid fucking bitch.
She looked pissed by my answer (because it was the truth). She tried to use what I said and the fact everyone around heard me to make me look like an idiot. It was perfect except for one thing: I don’t care of what these idiots can think. She kept saying “Oh, did you hear that, he’s calling me old!” or “Youth have no respect for their elders” to everyone around, making “no” with her head. Man do I hate that kind of people. Fucking hypocrites. We finally arrived at our terminus and I told her one last little thing.

ME: Oh, fuck you.

Wasn’t the slightest bit original, but she had ruined our conversation with her constant bitching. What a stupid fucking bitch. I hope she doesn’t have kids (for their own good. I could see it now. “Mom, can I invite a friend?” “NO I NEED TO READ ROFL!”). She can see the good point however: she will have something to keep bitching about the next time she sees someone (Christmas).

Oh, if I ever see her again in the bus, I’ll make sure to sit next to her and even if I don’t have anyone to talk to, I’ll make sure to talk on the cellphone the whole trip.