5 types of morons you’ll find at the gym

So, I’ve started training, and pretty hard. Then it hit me: there are morons everywhere. Especially at the gym where it seems everyone is there to piss you off. So on this, a short list on the most annoying morons you will meet at the gym about every single day, and who make training unnecessarly more painful.

The old Fag

This guy is particularly annoying. No matter what happens, he will never speak. His fantasy is taking a training machine and then never leaving it. He can easily spend one hour with the same machine. The worst about the old fag is that he never seems to actually work. He always lift like five pounds, even if simply breathing on the machine would actually lift that weight.

Once he puts his hand on a machine, he will never give it up. Be ready to wait a long, long time. If you need to do that particular exercice, you might as well give up your training plan as you will never get it. He can spends 15 minutes just sitting there, waiting for absolutely ntothing. It’s up to a point you can think he died of a heart attack right there. Sadly, this is very rarely the case

The weak point of the old fag is that he can only use one machine at once. You can probably do you entire training exercices before he is done with it. He sits there helplessly, always lifting ridiculous weight, completely lost and unaware of anything that happens.

The gay couple

The gay couple spend five hours per day at the gym, looking at other guys and looking closely at your abs which “aren’t fully developped yet” and making all kind of stupid homosexual jokes. You realized they were gay when they heard them talking about going to see “dancers” - and then realized they were the dancers.

They always do the same exercice, in duo, helping each other finish their “set” and then moving on. If by any chance you need to do that particular exercice, you might as well take a subscription to a gay club because you’ll never get more gay men examining  you. Their weak point are women in general, so if you have a female friend, you have the advantage as they have to keep a 3 meters distance from them or something like that.

The 15-years-old mafia

The 15-yeards-old mafia is a huge gang of stupid, spoiled kid who do nothing else that taking 95% of the training machine at the gym and then talking with each other instead of actually using them. If you need to use one of these machine, you might as well change your gym, because they will never, ever give it up. They think they are TOUGH and bad boys going to the gym and TRAINING but they are weak and stupid, and you could probably knock one in a single hit.

They think they are cool hanging in gang, wearing hats and caps even inside and talking shit about everything, but they are really annoying to death. Mafia boys spend their day discussing their latest maths exam. It doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of summer or the day before Christmas: they are always discussing their latest exam and how hard it was. Maths are the weak point of these morons. They suck at it so bad they can’t even count the number of repetition they do per set. They end up walking around randomly, reserving a machine and exchanging it with their friends forever, until the gym closes. Unless you can disguise yourself as a math teacher, good luck if you need to use it.

15-years-old kids have virtually no weakness, except perhaps aging and realizing minimum wages aren’t that great, but you aren’t going to train at that gym long enough for this to happen.

The granny

The granny is the reason why you should be happy to be a man. Ever saw a woman that was way too old? Like World War I old or more? Meet the granny. She’s so old you have the impression she was born before your city was created.

Ms. Granny spends her day doing “fitness exercice” and each time you fear she might break in half, not that you want to look because you might change your sexual orientation. She always takes the most visible spot and annoy about every other guy and woman in the gym, especially the gay couple, who obviously chose the “right side”.

The granny has one advantage: she repulses other women who would rather not see what they will become. For this reasons, all machines in a 5 meters radius around her never have any woman on them. This only leaves the old fag, the gay couple and the 15-yeards-old mafia to monopolize them.

Gecko Man

It was the best name I could find for this guy: he always has a dumb look, his body is way too muscled and his head is tiny.  Gecko Man is “THE” master of training, more muscled and stronger than you will ever be, even if you train every single day of your life. For him, the gym is everything. If gyms ceased to exist, he would disappear through time.

Gecko Man ALWAYS has an advice for you. It doesn’t matter if you are doing simple push-ups, you aren’t doing them correctly, and he has a better way for him. Even if you follow his advices from last week, you still aren’t doing things correctly. Only him is training properly. The ultimate proof is his body, and yours: clearly you are doing something wrong!

A good way to avoid or get rid of Gecko Man is to tell him you are just training for fun. Wha… How could you be training just “for fun”? Does the gym looks like a playground to you? Gyms aren’t for kids, they are for working! This entire conceptmakes no sense to him. From there on, he will take you off his “I can compare my big muscles to his weak body and feel better about my life” list, and he will leave you alone.