The hardest task I ever had to do

It is done. My hellternship is finally over. I won’t ever, ever waste a second of my life there again. I left telling my supervisor “You gotta have mental problems to work here full-time”. And I meant it. This place had simply made me endure too much. I’ve worked here twelve weeks and I did real work perhaps one. The rest of the time, I just waited and waited again as the days progressively got longer and longer.

I had only one task left before I was finally freed: do the evaluation of my internship. The first points, describing my impressions of the internship (I said it was like having a midget stomp your balls together), telling what I disliked (every thing) and what I’ve learnt (nothing) were pretty easy. The last part, however, was pretty much a challenge. I had to write two pages on what I’ve liked in this internship. It was so hard in fact it could be considered one of the hardest tasks I ever had to do.

Here is what I wrote as “what I liked from my internship“:

• The Van Houtte at the main floor served the best bagel and cheese bagel I have ever ordered from a fast food.
• When people bitch about their job sucking, I know what it is now.
• The Van Houtte at the main floor is not too expensive: for 2,75$, including taxes and tips, you get a bagel with swiss cheese and butter, a large portion of fresh fruits and a small coffee.
• The elevator had a nice voice to announce the stage you are at.
• The lady at the Van Houtte always put me an extra slice of cheese at no cost.
• The company had a large selection of tea.
• The Van Houtte had a large collection of free newspapers which helped my long, long days pass faster.
• My job was not too far from the bus terminal, making my moves easy and smooth.
• They paid me the lunch on my very first day.
• 1 person out of 10 takes anti-depressors in Québec. I’ve always wondered what caused people to be so depressed. I got my answer.
• I now know I want to do anything in my life but that.
• I now know what it is to be a pet. Arrive here at 9 Frank! Excellent! Now sit down at your bureau! Perfect! Want a cookie?
• I’ve saved at least 100$ in office supplies (pens, stapler, etc) by stealing stuff around. Seriously, I have so much liquid paper I could replace my blood by it.
• After such a depressing and boring summer doing nothing but waiting for the end of my shift to finally arrive, it takes very little to cheer me up. Merely remembering I don’t have to waste my days siting in a cubicle counting seconds is enough to make me smile.
• This job has made me realize that dying isn’t the worst that can happen you you: finishing your life playing solitaire and stapling sheets together is in my opinion much more horrible. Physical death is nothing compared to that.
• Once during my internship, I went to a Bikini Village Shop and told the lady I had just sneaked out of job and that I was paid to do conversation to her and that this was a point we had in common. I thought this was cool and interesting. Not her. I know this is not really “What I liked” from my internship but honestly there is very little I’ve liked in this internship, except for the fact it’s finally over and that I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown.
• I’ve stolen at least 500$ of books I’ll never read from their library.
• There was always some extra changes left in the change machine. An extra 5 cents per day!
• As a “quitting bonus”, I raided every cubicle close to me for one pen exactly. I called this “Operation Pens”, pun intended since “pens” also meaning “jail” (or so I think). No one will notice one pen missing yet I got over 50 quality pens which I probably won’t ever use.
• I printed enough blank sheets to write my novel. Hey, that is a positive point.

At this point, I was getting too desesperate. C’mon Frank, play with margins, make the text biggers, more spacing… Still wouldn’t make it. One page and a half, aw, come on, speak of your experiences, what you learnt…

• I was located at a stage high enough to have a beautiful view of Montréal.
• I’ve realized ugly women are not necessarly smart (i.e. my supervisor).
• I’ve realized that if you bring work at home and choose to enter on saturday, you’re a fucking loser (i.e. my supervisor). The funniest part? Overtime is NOT paid, which leads me to:
• If you work overtime unpaid, you’re an idiot. Nothing else to say.
• I’ve realized that everything labelled “urgent” is not. I’ve had a job called “urgent” in my first days, I still have not completed it.
• I’ve realized that bureaucracy is the most stupid and ineffective system ever made, only conceived to piss off people.
• I’ve realized most people work for nothing. In fact, most of the job is spent fixing someone’s incompentence.
• I’ve realized really talented people in any corporation finished their lives counting the number of months between September 1, 2006 and April 1, 2008 to make sure the guy got his extra 0.04$ of interest.
• I’ve realized the 2% annual interest they give you is a complete joke.
• I’ve realized most companies suck, but not as much as their customers - we had a guy bitching because he divorced and he lost half of his monthly annuity, like it was our fault. Here’s a hint: don’t marry a bitch.
• I’ve realized that any written number with the note “exact number” roughly has a 40% error margin. Any result with the note “estimation” has a 100% error margin and has probably been guessed by a random function.
• I’ve realized that most of the assumptions you make in finance and the field in general make absolutely no sense. For example, we assumed a 25 years old firefighter earning 35,000$ per year would never get a raise. RIGHT.
• I’ve realized that most laws are there to give lawyer a reason to charge 200$ per hour.
• I’ve realized businesses waste hundreds of billions on stupid shit nobody needs and this has considerably put in question my vocation as a stock investor. The company paid 17,000$ so that eight employees could participate in some dumb Kayak race they lost. There is so much cash wasted on everything — inefficient protocols, useless employees, wasted paper and ressources — that it’s almost unbelievable.
• And finally, I’ve learnt I’d never, ever, EVER work in such a shitty place again. I’d rather starve to death as a hobo than ever put a feet in this stupid gay place ever again..

It is done. I survived. 12 weeks of pain and torture, over with these final pages. I wrote my name at the end and promptly sent it to the director of my department. I admit I’ve shed a tear knowing I would never see these people and work there again. A tear of joy obviously.